death of a love song (demoes)

by Nelsonvillains

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written in new paltz between 2011 & 2013
recorded at home in brooklyn between 7/26/16 & 8/1/16


released November 27, 2016



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Nelsonvillains New York, New York

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Track Name: blue mirrors
vanilla slut, your eyes alive in the threesome
and this flickering screen isn't small enough to hold ya
eyes echo on a tightrope, ride the bus home and hope for rain
i hope this tour isn't down the drain

hope it doesn't slip away from me
eyes are salt on the ride home
lay the rust on me

i need to hole up in my parents' house by the river
where i can sober up from some shows that left me feeling sad i guess
sad like dry bones -- on your bird chest i leave a bite like iron
and on your thin neck, you lay the rust on me

we cut our teeth on a queen-sized in cold spring
murder apartment layered timeless in ivy
never violent, but i was never ever honest
full of silence and excuses

well goddamn blue mirrors and warm dawn thievery
all those pills on the freeway and we're going someplace real
well goddamn blue mirrors and my morning bravery
where i don't speak to you, i don't tell you what i've done

crying bones don't speak, i mean, i mean
give me a comfortable shoulder in these dusty sheets
and i miss your body in the morning
the curve of your spine in my teeth
now i've got this pain in the right side of my jaw
and i can't remember where it came from
and i'm lusting after the bartender
and waiting for my friends to leave
Track Name: shaking konfidense
i used to get drunk and tell you i wanted to die
punching the radiator every halloween night
you said you wouldn't stay if it happened again
so when you hung on i knew you were my best friend

cold shoulder she let me fall asleep at the bar
i deserve myself and i don't deserve her
and as much as i care
and whenever i try it's
"kiss me on the eyelids and walk me home as i get older
and i'm still in love with your easy side"

you never me when you weren't feeling lost
i am the congregation; you are the moon in the pulpit

now we're taking pot-shots when we both get drunk
i'm starting to wonder if i really fucked you up
you're made out of gold in the cold summer wind
all my stories are forgiven when you don't know they exist

you never me when you weren't feeling lost
i am the congregation; you are the moon in the pulpit
Track Name: tylenol suicide
i don't listen to hardcore
i just scream along to my mom's folk records
i don't dream like a real boy
i just make every effort to forget her

in a car by the river with your hands in my shirt
i won't leave til i'm done i won't stop til i'm hurt
it was a dream i never had, all that shaking konfidense
i'm a desert, i'm a plateau, throwing up in the afternoon

when i was 16 i cut my wrists with a butter knife
a tylenol suicide, i said "i wanna hold your hand"
in the woods on the walk home from school i wanna make sense
in a midnight car by the river where you deflect my kiss

i said i'm giving up on drinking
i'm gonna start living a saner life
but i just wake up in the kitchen
with a bottle of whiskey and a butcher knife

i've got your records in my brain, i've got things i wanna say
i've got no complaints and a heartbeat like a hammer
my blood is loud, and my hands are folded
and you are the lottery but all bets are closed

when i 16 i was a dreamer like a widowed wife
nerves like hunger, my roots twist under the ground
in the woods on the walk home from school i saw your sundress
in a midnight car by the mountain we made love bathed in moonlight.
Track Name: hairlong
and the next time
you see me
my hair will be long
and the next time
i see you
you won't feel lost
there'll be a piece of me
void like the lump in my throat

it's all right
i know
you can't find
me out

and i'll know
that it's ok
even tho
it hurts like
and i'll know
that it's ok
even tho
there's a piece of you
mixed up
sad, passing years by in my car

it's all right
i know
you can't find
me out

i'm not mean i drink too much opinionated when i'm fucked up and i'll drive around the upstate i'll drive around til the ground ends, we're the rust on your early morning feelins i hope it's not to late to ask how you've been doing?

i hope it's not to late to ask how you've been doing
Track Name: when the new year comes
well I lost my life in the tidal night with a spit-cracked grin full of porcelain, and I know I threw up on the side of my house, but the red wine rot just got me that time. Yeah, I am the deer and you are the car, and I'm dancing in fear at all these dying stars -- ghosts are holed in my walls, so the lights are staying on, and I leave my will to fight in all these three year old scars.

and we're going out on the town, yeah I gotta leave this place now.
and we're hopelessly, helplessly gonna drown in the talk we've been trying to drown out.

well I lost my mind when I broke your trust, and I blacked out on some dirty couch. With the boilerplate luck and the typical excuse, it was unclear to me how I had misused you, but I felt the snap and I went insane, parking lot of Metro-North before the passing trains. I wanted to tear the guts from the old iron fence, so defenseless from such a classic example.

and we're going out to wake up now -- yeah your lover's broke and stranded in the west.
meeting people who won't know who I am, yeah I swear baby I will try my best.

it was a blackout year and you were the cause, 'cause I owed you so much and I never live up to my
promises with my dirty heart.
and baby I just want to get so drunk that I can eat the night and fuck everything up and
come on home to you and have it be okay
that my head was missing while my body rolled away.

and when the new year comes in it's white veils I'll know that I can finally stop trying.
so I can eat the night and put my brain on a pedestal.
Track Name: in our home you are the lion
i'm the lion and you're the mouse
and when i've been drinking i drown you out
i'm the loudest thing in this little house

with claws so long and a mouth like fire
you make me tremble until i'm tired
i apologize for being loud and took the teeth out of my mouth
so we'll dream and sweat again

i'm the open, wordy book
shuffle my pages, you're the wood
covering my soft spots

the morning grays and the recent rain
smell like perfume on your skin
i've a got a bone to pick with every single sentence i write and can't believe in
a dime for your smallest thoughts

and the calmest moments
where it hurts the most
you wrote a poem
i wrote a joke

in our home you are the lion
Track Name: ocean springs, ms
now the first thing i should tell you when you wake up on the beach is the ocean's full of salt and the rocks are full bleach, and all the passing station wagons are full of people you don't wanna meet, so you'll mediate the situation with a little liquor and LSD>>>>>>>>> and you won't go get arrested by the cops in ocean springs, so you won't have to tell your family all of the evil things that you got caught pretending to try to finally be, and if all of that sounds confusing kid, i don't know what the fuck to say...

cept it's all right johnny, keep wearing your double-negative masks
i told your momma all about you, now she's scared to leave the PORCH

i swear in my new apartment that there's ghosts in the walls, the lights flicker right back at me and the guy when crazy next door and tho he's been medicated the situation's still there all those negative photos babe have got the devil in them. now my brain is less fuZZy and i'm creep in my own room, hanging out with a steak knife and a bottle full of booze and i've given up on dying and i've given up on god, and i've given up on the dog so have me how you want.

it's all right johnny, keep wearing your double-negative masks
i told your momma all about you, now she's scared to leave the PORCH
Track Name: blue cloud love
all my friends are in love
and all of my friends are still drunk
and i wanna be like them
so comfortably honest

cuz when i'm with you i take up every breath
of air in every room

so this is where i fall apart
2 days of driving around
and staring at the aimless stars
i gotta get out of this fucking town

and i know you're full up, all this blue cloud love
you meditated at your job while i spent 2 months drunk
and now my heart's soft as my consciousness clears
i'll be your baby boy with manipulative tears

so what do i do right?
to give you back your time
no i don't care about you
i just care how i reflect back to

the people who listen to these selfish songs
they are punctured poems, always forlorn

so this is where they fall apart
4 years of lost sound
where they lie for the sake of my heart
i gotta get out of this fucking town

and i know you're full up on this blue cloud love
you thought this though while i did my best to shut my brain off
i was a coward, no i was never a dog

i was stuck between you and some place that only exists
in a song.